Occasionally in life you will find things that not only make you laugh, but make you laugh so hard you struggle to breathe for subsequent minutes. This book is not one of those things for it cannot be described as a mere thing. It is a monument, nay, a milestone in everyone’s lives. Everyone remembers the day they were introduced to what has been dubbed “the worst fanfic in the world”. Much like Marmite, you will forever love it or hate it with a passion that burns brighter than the thousands of metaphorical copies of Harry Potter that Tara Gilesbie burned while
butchering parodying the series.
My Immortal was originally posted to FanFiction.net sometime in 2006, but was subsequently deleted by the staff after causing a severe drop in the site’s collective IQ. In fact, the fanfic is so unbelievably bad that many refuse to accept that it’s real, insisting that Tara was only trolling and that the story is really a parody. Regardless of the author’s intent, My Immortal remains one of the most cringe-worthy, unintentionally hilarious, so-bad-it’s-good pieces of literature the internet has ever shat out.
I just found out that the fanfic is actually available as a self-published paperback. Not free; it’s about £3.50 (which I’m not sure is legal), but in all seriousness there is no need to spend money on this. You can read the whole thing for free right here. And may I make a suggestion? Get some friends round, grab some drinks, laugh your socks off and spread the word. I’m going to tell you exactly why this fanfic is worth your time.
My Immortal – A Gentleman’s Review – But by a Lady
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
The above sample of word vomit is a direct quote from the fanfic. Before each chapter begins we are privy to a very special author’s note from Tara herself. In these snippets she usually thanks her (few) fans for following her story, scolds the preps who are “flamin” her story and threatens to slit her wrists if better reviews don’t show up. She also thanks her BFF Raven for spell checking the chapters.
These little author notes are fantastic fun to read and are actually very helpful for live readings of the story. My Immortal is best enjoyed, I find, when performing in the style of an illiterate chav. The authors notes are all spelled out phonetically and helpfully placed at the start of each chapter so the reader can very easily get into character for each reading. Try reading the above selection out loud, and you’ll understand what I mean. And if that wasn’t enough, these notes enable us to read about what was going on in Tara’s real life as she was writing the fanfic. At one point she and her BFF Raven fall out spectacularly and it is hilarious. But I shan’t spoil it for you…
In this exquisite interpretation of Harry Potter, we follow a young girl called Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, a gorgeous Slytherin girl at Hogwarts. She hates “preps” and describes herself as “goffic”, and this is reinforced by her extensive paragraphs illustrating exactly what clothes from Hot Topic she is wearing each day. All of your favourite Harry Potter characters make appearances in My Immortal. Draco Malfoy is the main love interest and appears in it the most, but we are treated to cameos from Dumblydore, Snap, Loopin, Vlodemort, Doris Rumbridge, Profesor McGoggle, Proffessor Trevolry, Hargrid, Tom Bombodil, Fug and da Mystery of Magic etc. Hermione even makes an appearance as B’loody Mary Smith and Harry’s changed his name to Vampire and transfigured his scar into a pentagram. It’s all very exciting.
Ebony is a character to which we can all relate. She maturely deals with the fact that everybody wants to have sex with her, all of the preps who are ruining her life, and her responsibility for saving the world from the Bark Lord Voldemint. She is definitely a role-model for younger readers and older readers alike and her liberal use of the word ‘fuck’ and all of its alterations is evidence of her maturity. Her natural beauty, high sex drive and embodiment of goffickness are the kind of strong character traits every feminist strives to achieve, and we can all agree that it is a relief to finally know that you don’t need a firm grasp on grammar in order to get laid.
My Immortal is a rare example of a book that truly has something in it for everybody. The rich goffik culture is deeply explored in the fanfic and the reader gets to enjoy the story and receive an education at the same time. We learn important details such as what exact shade of black eye-liner works best with white foundation and what exactly Gerard Way meant when he sang “Welcome to the Black Parade”.
There are some scary chapters too, in case you’re into horror. But don’t worry if you spook easily; Tara supplies us with thoughtful disclaimers, so if you read the words – WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD – you’ll know that there’s some bone-chilling content up ahead, which usually involves Lord Volxemort attempting a Shakespearian monologue.
“I hath telekinesis.”
One thing that really should be mentioned is the romantic aspect of this fanfic. Tara Gilesbie healthily explores love and sex in many different forms and makes it clear that she does not judge those with different sexual preferences to her own. Love is love in Tara’s eyes, and she is proud to display her views by featuring not only heterosexual couples and sex scenes, but also homosexual, paedophilic and non-consensual. My Immortal is proof that erotic fantasy novels can be good, as you can see by some of the choice snippets below.
“He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it.”
“Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.”
“Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
As you can see by that last quote, Tara Gilesbie is a master of suspense. Chapters are quite short as it is, and we’re usually getting to a fantastically written sex scene when…………………………………………someone shows up!
And we don’t find out what happens until the next chapter!!
I kind of wish I had discovered this when Tara was still writing this. I could have followed the blog and read each chapter as it was posted. Like so many, I would wait for years for the latest Harry Potter book to come out. It would have been like a tribute to my childhood if I had waited each week for Tara’s latest chapter recounting just who was filming Ebony and Draco having sex this week.
Although, while we’re still on the subject of sex, it took me a while to figure it out but I don’t think Tara Gilesbie has actually had sex before. It wasn’t apparent at first, but if you claim you get an orgy the second a boy sexily pots his wetness in your u-know-what, I’m starting to doubt you know how it’s done. Or is that just yet another part of what makes Enoby so fascinating? She comes at the slightest tender touch…
All in all, My Immortal is a thoroughly enjoyable read. Nope, scratch that, it is an amazing read. I can only describe it as beautiful; a beautiful and epic fail that has brought so many glorious tears of laughter to my eyes. I truly believe that the author is a troll, but it’s just so much more fun to think of Tara as being genuine. You definitely get the full package if you think of it that way.
So have I sold this fanfic to you yet? Have you clicked off this review and gone to read it yet? No?! Did I mention Snape and Lupin have sex with Dobby watching? Did I tell you Snape has a Dark Mark tattooed on his penis? Why are you still here??