review

Review* of Evermore by Alyson Noel (*rant)

description

After a horrible accident claims the lives of her family, sixteen-year-old Ever Bloom can see people’s auras, hear their thoughts, and know someone’s entire life story by touching them. Going out of her way to avoid human contact to suppress her abilities, she has been branded a freak at her new high school — but everything changes when she meets Damen Auguste.

Damen is gorgeous, exotic and wealthy. He’s the only one who can silence the noise and random energy in her head – wielding a magic so intense, it’s as though he can peer straight into her soul. As Ever is drawn deeper into his enticing world of secrets and mystery, she’s left with more questions than answers. And she has no idea just who he really is – or what he is. The only thing she knows to be true is that she’s falling deeply and helplessly in love with him. 

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Rating
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Recommended For
Fans of mindless teen shit
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One Word Review
Nnnnggggg

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Gif Summary Of Reading Experience


I don’t think I’ve ever given up on a book so hard. I gave it my absolute best shot, but after reaching the halfway point I couldn’t even form sentences anymore. In the words of the almighty Schmidt, it was like Alyson Noel was ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga.

Evermore. Was. Ridiculous. Published in 2009 at the very height of Twlight’s popularity, Evermore is yet another painfully obvious rip-off with a ridiculously named protagonist: Ever. I mean come on.


There is no plot to this hunk o’ shit. It may well have reared its undoubtedly sub-par head after the 50% marker (which is where I jumped ship) but to not even hint at a possible plot until then in goddamn inexcusable.  Who do you think you are Alyson Noel? Did you think your oh-so-gripping underdeveloped shit-agonist would keep me entertained and intrigued up until that point? With 150+ pages of meaningless high-school bullshit that – by the way – is riddled with spelling mistakes?

I don’t give a shit about your cliché and stereotypical characters who annoy the hell out of me by merely pretending to exist. Their endless, achingly dull (and 100% not Bechdel approved) conversations are insulting just for the mere fact that you are actually attempting to depict reality, here. Who the fuck is that boring. You?

I don’t care that love-interest Damen is OMG SO FUCKING GORGEOUS I CANNOT QUITE BELIEVE IT HE IS HOTTIE HOT HOT GORGY UMMM GORGEOUS OH MY GORGY DID I MENTION HE’S GORGEOUS? I know that you seem to think that a love-interest with a high ranking on the Gorgeousity Scale is of immense importance to the clueless hormonal lifeforms you apparently think young readers are, but I’d like to pleasantly inform you that a massive percentage of us are fed up of that assumption. Oh and fuck the “pleasantly informing” lie, I’d like to hit you over the head an encyclopedia-load of that information. Figuratively, always, but I’d hope you still got the message: I don’t give a shit about a gorgeous love-interest. The same goes for his ability to sing, play the piano, smile deliciously, drive really well, or even just exist in this state of utterly nerve-grating “Gary Stu-ness” that is completely false and utterly infuriating.

The only good thing about Damen is that he wasn’t a dick . Not that I know about anyway; anything could have happened in that last 50%. I have a “theory” that the dickhead love-interest trend came about when an author (bless, they tried) realized that well-crafted characters need flaws. Didn’t know why exactly, but one flaw would probably do, so they went with the poorly executed “badboy” flaw and left it at that. Which is exactly the kind of cop-out a shit ton of other sheep authors decided to fanny on with as well. Until Alyson Noel, the prized trail-blazer that she is, saw what they were doing and proclaimed her resistance to the trend. “I will create a nice love-interest!” she declared, inadvertently jumping back to a simpler time before the dickhead trend where everyone was perfect.
g18tJHT

I have nothing else to say about this. Even thinking about this festering turd of a novel is killing a shit-ton of my brain cells. Just….just do not read this book.

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3 thoughts on “Review* of Evermore by Alyson Noel (*rant)

  1. Ugh, the second paragraph of the official summary makes it perfectly clear that this is a book I would. Not. Like. At all. Gorgeous, exotic, AND wealthy? Yeah, Prince Gary Stu XXIII sounds ever so compelling. Ever Bloom must be SUCH a lucky girl to be saved from her girly female powerlessness by this gorgeous hunk of exotic, magical awesomeness. With money! 😀

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